And they overcame him by the blood of the lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto death. (Revelation 12:11 KJV)
I’m not going to lie…this is the hardest blog that I have ever had to post. Some of you may ask, well then why post it? The answer is simply because God asked me to. I don’t know who this is going to help, but I pray that it’s going to help someone.
Last June I went through one of the most painful damaging things that a woman could go through. I don’t want to use the word victim because I’m nobody’s victim and I don’t see myself that way, but I honestly can’t think of a better word. Last year I became a victim of domestic violence. Here’s the thing he wasn’t my boyfriend. We didn’t date but we were intimately involved which is why it qualifies as domestic violence.
If you have a few minutes I would like to share my story. I met him the year before when I started a new job. Truthfully he wasn’t my type but I was instantly attracted to him. I figured my type stunk why not give him a try. He was respectful and not really pushy. I liked that I thought that he was a rare find. The thing is though even though I was attracted to him. God gave me a warning in my spirit that I chose to ignore. I remember one night he whispered to me leave him alone because in the end he’s going to be more trouble than he’s worth. However, I wanted what I wanted. Truth be told I was also tired of being alone. Tired of being alone was the main reason why I spent the next year chasing after a man who showed me over and over that he didn’t want me. Tired of being alone was the reason why I handed him money even if it put me in a bind. Just so that he would know that I cared. Tired of being alone was the reason why I ignored God’s warnings and was quick to bite off anyone’s head who was brave enough to tell me. Aqua, he does not want you. He was the type that if he didn’t get his way he would give you the silent treatment. That drove me crazy my Achilles heel is the silent treatment. He was the type that only wanted two things from women. Sex and money. Since I wanted him, I became blind to that fact. I wanted what I wanted not even realizing that somewhere along the way. I was losing Aqua. I became the crazy chic you know the one who blew up your phone and showed up unannounced at your job. I could never understand how a woman could let a man drive her to that level. Until I became that woman. You see he was the type of person who only dealt with you when it benefitted him. His uncle even told me Aqua you told him how you felt and he hasn’t changed. He does not care about you. Ouch! You would think hearing it from his family would open my eyes. It didn’t. I wanted what I wanted. Inside though I had no peace with him or the situation that I was in but I ignored it thinking that if I persevered he would change his mind and want me. Then a new girl started at the job and it went from bad to worse. I found out that he tried to sleep with her. I literally lost it in a way. Not because he tried sleeping with her but because he thought so little of me that when I confronted him that he didn’t think that I deserved an answer. It was two months of no communication even though we worked the same job and he was my relief. He hated the sight of me. He’s the one who did wrong but he played the victim. Then one night a week before the altercation. I was getting ready to leave and putting my things in my car when he arrived for. We worked in a group home with people with autism. I remember that night leaving my charger and having to use the bathroom by then he was in the house and he locked the door behind him. The house had one of them glass doors and I could see him sitting at the table doing paperwork. I knocked told him that I didn’t want to talk to him just open the door. I would give him time to either go in another room or in the back yard but I needed my charger and to use the bathroom room. He ignored me and I lost it. I remember banging on the door kicking at it yelling at him you messed up not me. At this point it was no longer about having to use the bathroom. It became about everything I sacrificed for him. The times when I put myself in a bind for him helping him out in his times of need and he couldn’t even open the door. It was then that I realized he cared nothing at all for me or about me. So I did something that I’m not proud of and I’m still ashamed of a year later. I keyed his car wrote a curse word on each side. I know some of you may be thinking Aqua why did you do that. You deserve to be beaten. No, I didn’t deserve it. I deserved jail time, I deserved to have to pay for damages to his car. I deserved punishment but not that. To answer the question why I did it because I was tired of being used and taken for granted. It’s no excuse but it’s the truth. He didn’t beat me that night but he did the next time he saw me a week later.
Do you want to know the worst part of it. It wasn’t him punching me in the face, pulling my hair, slamming my head into the cement or him kicking me in my stomach. It was when I looked at him he had pure joy in his eyes. He was beating me like some man in the street and he was loving every minute of it. It’s a year later and that looks still hunts me. Can I admit something that I’m not supposed to admit. I hated him for what he did to me. I felt like apart of me died that night. I hated my Co workers for standing there watching it and not trying to stop it. I hated them for not admitting what they saw to the police which resulted in him getting away with it. I hated my boss for not firing him when it happened at work.
Here’s the thing though. That night had to happen. It did not take God by surprise. You see chasing after this man got me distracted from chasing after God. As bad as it was God used that to get me back to him. When I didn’t know the words to pray. Jesus comforted me with the words that he knew what it was like to be beaten. They beat him on the road to Calvary. When I was angry at the bystanders he told me that I know what it’s like for people just to stand by and watch. I’ve been there but that I still needed to forgive. It’s a process I’m not fully there but I will be and soon.
The beauty of this is that the night he beat me. Was the night that he thought that he destroyed me. Truth is that he only beat me into the arms of Jesus. The one who wiped my tears and mended my broken heart. The one who gave me the courage to start this blog three months later. The one who encouraged me to keep writing for him. When I had to push through so much guilt and shame because I felt like Lord, who am I. Did you not see what I did? You can’t use me because I’m damaged goods and I messed up to badly. He told me I purposed you for greater and that is not how your story will end.
I don’t know what you had to go through in your life. I do know that God can take it and use it for his glory. It’s nothing that you can do that is so bad that God won’t love you through it. That even goes for the guy who physically beat me. God loves him as well. I pray for him every night and I truly expect to hear word that God is using him in his kingdom as well. I believe that he has a God-given purpose. Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I know that it’s not the type of blog I usually post but God laid it on my heart to do it this way for this time.