(14) If a man die, shall he live again? All the days of my appointed time will I wait, till my change come. (Job 14:14 KJV)
This blog post isn’t for everyone. It’s for those of us who ever felt like throwing in the towel and giving up. Last month in September made my one-year anniversary of Marred in the Master’s Hands. I know that this post is kind of late but life has been really crazy lately. I wanted to share with you my testimony of how this blog came to be.
Marred in the Master’s hands was birthed in a whole lot of pain. I shared before that I suffer from major depression and around my birthday is when I am really under attack. It is the time of year when I look around at my life and all of the things that has not changed or the things that have not happened and it’s the time when I’m the most tempted to give up. For me, it’s the time when the enemies voice is louder than that of Gods. It was Sunday three days before my birthday. It was also the first Sunday that the church that I attended had been reopened because it had sustained damages because of hurricane Harvey. Every one was testifying over God’s goodness over bringing them out of the storm. As every one testified I found myself getting angry, depressed, and discouraged. The truth is that I had been fighting discouragement for the past couple of weeks but for some reason being in the church elevated my discouragement. I remember that Sunday most of the church members being disgusted with me and they’re refusing to talk to me and passing me by because I didn’t behave how they thought that I should (that might offend some of the people but it’s the truth). I admit that my attitude was stank but not one person asked what’s wrong or Aqua I see something is wrong. I’m praying for you. Instead, I was ignored and made to feel less than. I walked away from the church that Sunday tired of God and tired of his people. I remember before I even pulled out of the parking lot bursting into tears crying to my mom that I can’t do this anymore. To make matters worse my mom starts to attack me with you don’t love me and started to point out everything she felt that I was doing wrong. Truthfully, it wasn’t the time she took my anger with God and made it about her. When Satan attacks he’ll use even those the closest to you in order to shoot you down if he can. The next day I woke up feeling worse and I called my sister on the drive to work and again I’m crying really hard. I remember sitting in the parking lot of my job screaming at her that I was tired. That God had to show me something because I couldn’t do it anymore. It was then that I heard God tell me. Then you show me something. You want for me to move for you. Then you get up and show me something. It was then that I had to dry my eyes go into work and after making sure that my client was settled looking up how to start a blog. God had been dealing with me about starting this ministry but I kept putting it off. The truth is that day I only intended to look up how to start a blog, but two hours later I had published my very first blog post and Marred in the Master’s Hands was born.
if a man die, shall he live again? all the days of my appointed time will I wait, till my change come.
There is a popular saying in the world, especially among church folks. That says that trouble doesn’t last always. This was the scripture that God led me to when I was tired and angry and wanted to give up. It’s meaning was simple. Aqua wait. In the appointed time things will change. The word appointed means a time or place decided on beforehand. Its prearranged, fixed or established. I realized that there was an appointed time for everything. In Ecclesiastes, it says To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. The truth is that I was trying to force God to give me what I wanted in my timetable and not his. I felt like God if you loved me then you would give me what I want. Here’s the thing though it’s because he loves me that he withheld what I desired from me because the truth is I still have a lot of growing and maturing to do. In fact, once again this week I found myself discouraged and depressed wanting to give up. God had to bring me back and remind me of where I was last year and how he was with me then and he’s with me now.
(8) Behold, I go forward, but he is not there; and backward, but I cannot perceive him: (9) On the left hand, where he doth work, but I cannot behold him: he hideth himself on the right hand, that I cannot see him: (10) But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold. ( Job 23:8-10 KJV)
A lot of the times when we go through things and we can’t see the hand of God moving on our behalf. We become discouraged. Well, at least I do. As I’m writing this God is showing me that I don’t always have to see what he’s doing in my life. He’s working behind the scenes getting things ready on our behalf, but he knows where we are at. He knows how we feel about our situation, he knows when we are tired and discouraged. He knows when we need a break and he knows the battle we face. He also knows the purpose behind our trials. It’s in the times of being tried that we need to remember that God will bring us forth as gold (I often need to be reminded of this fact).
God showed me so much in my first year of blogging! I was tested on each and every blog that I posted. In fact, I was discouraged in my first ten posts. I learned however that healing truly does happen in the following. Each blog I posted I found myself being strengthened and encouraged, even as I’m writing this now I’m reminded that God has not forgotten. I understand how someone can be at the point of wanting to give up. I’ve been there and I’m talking about recently. Gods grace, however, gives me the strength to go on. In my year of blogging, God showed me that support will not always come where I expect for it to come but that it will always come. He directed my steps to a new church which I absolutely love. Even, when life gets hard and I can’t wear the Christian mask. Someone will embrace me and will tell me it’s going to be ok. That means more than most people will ever know. Where God has placed me I truly feel the love of God. I’m not impressed by people saying they love me when I’m smiling. I believe it when I can’t find that smile and I’m being ugly but you still stop to see about me. That’s godly love in my opinion. Even though Marred in the Master’s hands was birthed in a whole lot of pain. I love how it got started. It’s amazing. It’s beautiful. It’s my story. I’ve grown a lot spiritually this past year, but as much as I have grown there is still things that God is working on in my life. You know what though. That’s ok. As marred as I am. I’m still in his hands. Guess what so are you!
Side note to Sis Ann McBride and to Sis Sharon Whitfield please know when I talked about being passed by. This did not include you two. I did not want for you to read this and get offended. You two have been nothing but wonderful and encouraging.