(37) All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out. (38) For I came down from heaven, not to do my own will, but the will of him that sent me. (39) And this is the will of him that sent me, that of all which he hath given me I should lose nothing, but should raise it up again at the last day. (John 6:37-39 KJV)
Today’s post is more of a testimony in what God did in my life and how he never let go of me. When I was at my lowest and those around me could only see the worst in me. Then it is a teaching, yet I pray that you will still be able to see the goodness that is Jesus. Through my testimony and I pray that it will encourage you in your walk with Christ. This above scripture has a very special meaning to me. This is the scripture that God used when I was ready to walk away from him and his word. If you followed my blog for sometime now. You know that I struggle heavily with depression and suicidal ideation. One of the signs that people often overlook in someone who is experiencing a depressive episode. Is anger and outburst. It may look like a person is being malicious in their behavior. When in actuality they’re acting out from a wounded place. That was me a year and a half ago. The depression that I was in. It had gotten so bad and so deep. That it began to manifest itself in anger, in my actions. In my words. It even begin to manifest itself at church. I became so aggressive that the church told me. That I was too much and I was put out of the church. This happened two weeks before Covid 19 shut down every thing including the churches. The depressive state that I was in down spiraled from there. To the point where I began to make plans for my death. Cause I couldn’t see myself being here for long. Last October which was 2020. I had reached the lowest of my 20+ years of this depression battle and I told God screw you. Actually I used more vulgar words than that. I told him to leave me alone. In my despair I yelled at him that I was tired. That I did all that I knew to do. I went to church, I prayed, I stayed in my word. I did therapy. Yet, I was still in this messed up state. Just leave me alone. I even accused him of being a liar and started calling him a fairy tale. This is ugly but I’m showing you my scars. Since I said that I was through. I went two days without reading my bible. Which may not seem like a long time, but for me who read it every day it was. I was in a dark place. Where all I could do was cry. Yet, I heard God say I got you Aqua. You see his love for me is so strong. That even in my most messed up and ugly state. He still had me. Even when I wanted to let go. After two days. I finally opened my bible and it opened to the above scripture and I cried cause I knew that God was talking to me.
All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out. (John 6:37 KJV)
Being put out of that church. It had a devastating affect on me. That they would never comprehend. They had no idea that I spent months replaying their words. “You are too much.”In my mind. So when I read this passage of scripture, even though I read it numerous times before. It took on a whole new meaning. Christ spoke to me in his word. I WILL IN NO WISE CAST OUT. He was telling me. I don’t care what you done, how depressed you are, I don’t care that they put you out, but because you are mine. I will no wise cast you out. I got you even if you don’t trust that I do. I still have you. However, it wasn’t until I read in verse 39 where Jesus said that all which he hath given me I should lose nothing, but should raise it up again at the last day. When read those words I should lose nothing. It broke me in a good way. My walk with God changed from that point on. Jesus spoke to me as I cried realizing what it meant. The Holy Spirit told me even though you wanted to walk away, wanted for me to let go of you. I lost nothing. You are still mine. I’m not turning you over and I still have a plan for you. I will still use you for my Kingdom. You will still bring glory to my name. Not only have I (Jesus) not lost anything but i will also raise you up in that last day. Meaning that he was not going to leave me in that state. I don’t exactly know when the last day is. What I do know is that it’s a promise to all those who are in him will be perfected. It doesn’t matter what you may have done.
To date this is the hardest blog that I have written. Yet, I had to write it cause the Holy Spirit led me too. I pray that everyone who reads this. Walks away knowing that we serve a God who never lets go of us. That he loves the most unlovable parts of us. That he holds us. This is my testimony on how God kept me in spite of me. This blog is also freeing from the guilt and shame of my yesterday. I took a year and a half from blogging because of the unworthiness that I felt and the shame of my actions. It took for God to tell me to continue on,because of what I had to go through. It strengthened my relationship with God. I know now that he will carry me through anything that I face and because I have this confidence in him. I will bring forth his word and his goodness til the Lord calls me home. I would love to introduce you to the God who never lets go. To the Jesus who loses nothing.